And to celebrate, God Bless ‘em he’s decided to embarrass himself on the internet! WHATAGUY.
Christmas 2012: Batman Returns. The Bat. The Cat. The Penguin. The Video Game. The Half-Assed Review.
Batman Returns is a 3-Dimensionally challenged sidescrolling beat ‘em up where players assume the role of the Dark Knight as he attempts to murder hundreds of criminals before the Penguin steals Christmas. This is one of those games that as a kid I wanted more than anything but since I was never given Nintendo related gifts outside of my and the lord daddy Jesus’ birthday, it was one of many to slip through the cracks. Well I finally got my hands on a copy not long ago, played it and now I’m writing a little something.
Click here to allow more of my words passage into your brain.
Club Nintendo has had this sweet deal going for a while that allows members to use coins earned registering Nintendo product codes on actual video games rather than the type of paraphernalia more commonly found in Chinatown. For the most part selected titles have been restricted to stuff the majority of long time players wouldn’t bat an eyelash at but as you can tell from the headline and screenshot above, this isn’t the case at the moment. The N64 classic 1080 Snowboarding is up for grabs for a mere 150 coins as are three other selections each worth looking into. 1080 is a game that I spent a ridiculous amount of my un-prescribed medicinally medicated marijuana years playing as a teenager and it’s a lot of fun. Especially now since you can enjoy it in a higher resolution while your hands are wrapped around the
asscheeksofthewomanyoulove GameCube controller. Also, if you burn some Nag Champa and listen to this track as you tear through the Golden Forest stage over and over again, shit gets really far ou-sorry? Oh right, what else is currently up for grabs:
Let’s have a look.
Well Nintendo’s certainly feeling generous with this week’s top notch roundup of eShop downloads. The 3DS is now home to the full retail version of Adventure Time: Hey Ice King? Why’d You Steal Our Garbage? at $29.99 and the 8-bit Ninja Gaiden slashes its way onto the Virtual Console for five bucks. The former of course, is a game based on the popular children’s cartoon whose charms I am apparently immune to and the latter is a stone cold classic action platformer that I will never be good enough to complete but still love to death. The Ninja Gaiden games for the NES were some of my favorites to play as a kid despite their sadistic challenge level. The gorgeous graphics, revolutionary (at the time) cut-scenes and airtight controls made them incredibly fun and they still totally hold up. Still, I’ll probably pass because I really don’t want to be one of those guys who screams obscenities on public transportation. However if by some chance you’ve never had a go with this series before, I strongly recommend the experience.
And wait, what’s this?
A lot of very cool info in today’s Nintendo Direct including more concrete approximations of release dates for plenty of highly desirable games including Luigi’s Mansion (3DS), Pikmin 3 (Wii U), Wii U Fit (Guess) and some Lego thing. It’s a very fun watch but I can’t be the only one that audibly gasped when that crab thing started trapping all of those sweet little pikmin in floaty bubbles. Right?
These are only impressions and not a full on review due to the fact that I haven’t made much actual progress since I’m constantly wiping drool off of my gamepad. Christ, this game is gorgeous. The background lighting and details make Muramasa’s own look like some autistic 6-year old fucking around in flipnote. The basic setup is this: You control a trio of characters consisting of Gandalf, some chick archer and an armored knight (that looks a lot like the ones Link fights in Wind Waker) on a puzzle-ridden sidescrolling quest to do something or other. Like I said, I haven’t really made it that far. What’s really cool is that you can toggle between each of these guys on the fly. Tear apart some oncoming enemies using the knight’s sword, shoot open some ropes holding up a critical beam with that broad’s bow and arrow or use the force with the wizard to create and strategically maneuver blocks that help you jump across chasms and whatnot. It’s really fun and clever but I can’t keep myself from starting my file over and over again to savor every visual detail because again, this is one of the most flatout beautiful games I have ever seen. Here, have a look for yourself while I go hit a cold shower.
And it’s all thanks to the Miiverse, a feature that I am becoming shockingly addicted to. For those of you who have yet to get your hands on a console, each stage in NSMBU will have a little balloon with a Mii character’s face on it. A quick pull out to the overhead map allows you to read a comment that this player has written about that specific level and these are often hysterical. I’ve compiled a small list of some of my favorites so far along with images for reference. Enjoy:
I can live without universal health care but this awesome little guy is a much taller order. Apparently Nintendo is releasing the Wii Mini for $99 bucks exclusively in Canada in an attempt to get those hosers up off their chesterfield’s and swinging wildly at the old box. This really isn’t such a huge loss as most people already own a Wii and the Wii U has one basically built into it, but the design is kind of neat and it would make for a great Netflix player. Wait, what’s that? In addition to the lack of GameCube compatibility this thing doesn’t go online at all? That means that not only will you not be able to stream movies off of it, you won’t have access to the hundreds of retro games on the Virtual Console. So what the hell are you supposed to do with it? I think I’ll survive without a passport for a little while longer.
Wow. Looking back, November was the lightest month this site has ever had in terms of content despite the fact that a brand new Nintendo console hit store shelfs halfway through it. Part of that as some of you might be aware was due to the traumatic experience I suffered on the launch morning of the Wii U. If this isn’t ringing any bells, click here to check out the entire ordeal complete with moving pictures that will make you throw up probably. Needless to say that sort of took my head out of the game a bit, having to ship it off to be replaced while the shiny new box just sat in the corner of my room, empty like my soul. I just didn’t really have much motivation to write about Nintendo at all there for a minute even though there was plenty material to work with. Well, my U is back and plugged in and I’ve been playing it a lot the last couple of days and it’s time to start clogging up the internet with what I have to say about stuff. I guess this whole thing has been kind of like that episode of Growing Pains. You know…the one where Mike Seaver is shocked to learn that other students still have to go to high school whether he attends classes that day or not. I liked that show.
Metroid Prime turned ten this month! You’d never know it based on how little I’ve mentioned it on the site, but the Metroid series is my favorite game franchise. The series has been pretty much dormant since the release of… ugh… Metroid Other M, but hopefully that’ll change sometime in the near future. For now though, let’s look back at one of the best Metroid games, and one of the best games period.
For the first time since the Nintendo 64, I will not have Nintendo’s newest home console at launch. I have my reasons, but at the end of the day, Nintendo released a new joybox, and I won’t be getting it for a while. It came down to some key factors, so let’s parse through them. If nothing else maybe it’ll keep me from drunkenly wandering into a Target and throwing $350 in crumpled, sweaty bills at a Wii U kiosk, screaming for Miyamoto to give me a “Wii 2.”
Six years, an extra hundred dollars and countless personal tragedies and triumphs later find me now on the eve of the Wii U’s launch: Stressed the hell out. I went from telling myself that I’d just snag one at some point before Christmas to deciding to head out launch day and if it’s meant to happen then it will (I didn’t pre-order) and landed right here: Organizing a plan of attack by sorting out a systematic checklist of stores that I will hit in order from most to least likely having consoles that outnumber the reservations that have been paid for already. Overall, I do have a good feeling that I’ll get my hands on one. It’s just going to be a very early morning and a lot of adrenaline fueled driving past speed limits with a sausage mcmuffin hanging out of my mouth.
I love this shit.
And here at the List we all wish our beloved creator of Mario, Link, Pikmin and of course, Wii Music Shigeru Miyamoto a truly wonderful birthday. Just think: By the time the next presidential election rolls around the guy will actually turn 64!