Ray’s Nintendo E3 Roundup: What the Hell Happened?

I know, I know. Why am I posting my E3 reaction 2 days after the presentation ended? Well, the original plan was to live-blog during the show but turns out I was way too sleep deprived to conjure up any kind of coherent thought. I actually did manage to type brief snippets as the show went on with the intention of going back later in the day to flesh them out, but by now you all know how that went. So here, dear reader are those original thoughts featuring some spelling and grammatical corrections as well as a bunch of fancy trailers and stuff.

Enjoy:

Pikmin 3 Opening Teaser Starring Shigeru Miyamoto:

Wait, since when is Dexter an old Japanese guy? This new opening sucks. And here I thought they jumped the shark with the Jimmy Smits season.

- Oooh. It’s Pikmin 3. Finally. What is that, a rock thing? I don’t know why the thought of new Pikmin types never occurred to me. Yep, looks like a Pikmin game. Note to self: Finish the 2nd one soon.

- St. Reggie just came out and made a highly inappropriate purple Pikmin joke. That’s us off to an awkward start. Apparently we’re going to see 23 games today (I wonder how many of those are one’s we’ve seen before) and there’s some good news about the Wii U controller: The system will definitely support 2 game pads. Too bad these things will probably end up going for about 300 bucks a pop.

Which button prints money?

Miiverse stuff again:

- Calling it now: Miiverse is the new Wiispeak.

New Super Mario Bros. Wii U:

- What the hell is that? Is that a Wombat suit? I’m tired of the “New” label being slapped on every Mario sidescroller that comes out these days. Still, it does look like a lot of fun. Jesus, is that a “starry night” background? Let’s pack this bad boy in with the system like the good old days ok Nintendo?

Batman: Arkham City: Badass Edition:

Some dude with a weird accent just came out and started talking about “DA BATMIN.” That can mean only one thing:

- Eh. I played a lot of this already at my friends’ place last year. I’ll see you in the bargain bin Batsy.

Scribblenaughts:

- Maxwell’s Fagical Notebook. I’m trademarking that. Do people really play this shit?

Wii Fit U:

- Ok, is the title Wii Fit U creepy to anyone else? I’ll pass despite the fact that I bought the orignal Fit game and balance board and never played it. What can I say? Getting drunk and then working out at 3am doesn’t sound all that fun to me.

SiNG:

- There is only one thing I despise more than the expressions people have on their faces when they are dancing or singing: When they’re doing both at the same time.

3DS NEWS:

“Where’s the love?”

…

Poor bastard.

New Super Mario Bros. 2:

- Hmm. With the emphasis on Gold here, I’m thinking this really should have been a Wario game. Oh, and what’s this? The release date is August 19th! I can’t wait to play a 2D Mario game on my 3DS.

Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Side of the Fuck Yes:

- This game has had at least one copy sold for almost 2 years now. COME OUT ALREADY.

3DS Sizzle Reel: I should make some bacon right now:

- I would like to play this “Castlevania” game.

- I would like to play this Epic Mickey game.

- Jesus, Scribblenaughts again!?

- Dream Drop Distance is an unbelievably terrible title.

Lego City: Undercover:

- I cannot believe how much I don’t care about this. I was never a Lego kid growing up so why would I want to play a video game based on them as a (sort of) grown man?

More Ubisoft stuff:

- Zombi U might be the first Red Steel all over again.

- Some little Frenchie is onstage and he looks scared to death of Reggie.

- What is this “Puppet Master” shit? Crap, I’m getting tired.

- “You scare me Reggie.”

- Some talk about ASS2ASSin’s Creed. I guess people really love these games. I’m not one of them.

Nintendo Land:

- What the fuck is this? Nintendo Land?

- Am I really not excited about something called Nintendo Land?

- Why can’t Nintendo Land be a real place?

- This doesn’t look like the Nintendo Land I’ve imagined in my head for the last 25 years. Where’s the Hyrulian garden maze? The Super Mario Kart bumper cars? The Yoshi carousel? The Super Mario Bros. 2 log ride? The F-Zero high speed roller coaster? The Pikmin kid’s playland? The bathroom?

Fuck this, I’m going back to bed.