More Complaints About Kid Icarus: Uprising *Now With Informed Opinions!*

Plenty of words have already been written on this site about Kid Icarus: Uprising and the majority of them have admittedly been negative. But in continuing our grand tradition of professional journalistic integrity, I decided to actually pick up a copy and play it for myself. Using the game notes function of the 3DS, I wrote out bits here and there as I muscled my way through the game. So how did the experience turn out? Read on and find out via Bullet Point structure because I’m really tired of writing and thinking about this thing!

The Visuals:

- Some sights, especially while flying are worth the purchase alone. Chapters 5 (Pandora’s Trap)and 7 (God Within the Deap Sea) are intensely beautiful with incredible textures and awesomely dynamic camera work. Too bad you’re screaming through the environments so fucking fast it’s almost impossible to enjoy them!
- This game is very Brawl-like. Specifially the music, menus, power-ups and shitty creature design.
- Treasure chest legs are pretty funny.

The Controls:

- Walking on land = a flat out sloppy gallop. There’s a stage where you’re walking on small islands in a volcano and you WILL run into the lava and burn your ass up through no fault of your own. TERRIBLE.
- What is this a first year third party movie licensed DS game?
- Generic vehicles. What’s the point of this shit?
-Ok, I finally figured out the dodging attack controls on land stages and they feel pretty awesome. Specifically the dodge back while firing maneuver.
- Obviously a lot of hard work and passion went into this game but even if you think you’ve got the running on land controls down, at times they will still SUCK NO MATTER WHAT.
- Nintendo doesn’t make official plastic stands for just anyone. I actually kind of like this stand more than I thought I would. It goes nicely with Netflix while riding the train.
- JESUS CHRIST, these land controls! What (hopefully now unemployed) retard play tested this shit?

The Presentation:

- The constant chatter actually isn’t that bad. I’ve laughed a few times.
- This feels oddly closer to No More Heroes aesthetically than it does Sin and Punishment.
- AR cards are actually really nerdy and very fun to show off. I’ve already started collecting them so I guess that’s returning this game for store credit gone out the window.

Overall:

- Not bad but not great.
- The main game is the very definition of half-baked. The flying stages are masterful but the ground missions kind of remind me of the crappy Subspace Emissary mode in SSB: Brawl.
- While welcome, I feel like because so much time was spent providing a metric crap load of extras, the main game comes off as little more than a glorified option.
- I will never be good at this game.
- This shit reminds me of some of the bipolar girls I’ve dated.
- Nintendo has given us a game that is done beautifully and shoddily at the same time.
- I hate to say it, but this fucker goes on too long. I actually couldn’t wait for the thing to be over.

And finally…

- Every incredible aspect and moment is a painful reminder of how perfect a game this could and SHOULD have been. Tragic.

There you have it.