The Mushroom Kingdom’s Least Wanted: Who Sucks More than Waluigi?

So in my Waluigi write-up I mentioned that Luigi’s evil double had passed his shit-stained crown of Worst Mario Character to not one, not two, but a variety of annoying chodes that come out of the woodwork whenever Mario announces a party or a golf outing.

Who could possibly spark my nerd rage more than the unlovable mutant hell-spawn of Wario and Luigi? Read on!

Does this mean people will stop putting dead animals in my mail box? No? ...Fair enough.

I’ve actually had this list knocking around in my head for a while, because I’m a dweeb who makes lists like this. In earlier drafts (yes, that’s plural. Ladies) of the list and the preceding Waluigi entry, I referred to these guys as “filler characters.” I’ve decided to stay away from the term because it implies that this is some kind of objective list, that some characters are inherently better than others, and that’s kind of a self-important way to handle something like this. Plenty of other internet-people are happy to sound off their stupid opinions as gospel, but I’m content to leave my stupid opinions as stupid opinions. Plus I realized I really liked certain “filler characters” while putting others on blast, so this makes me seem like less of a hypocrite. Also some of the best Mario characters started off as “clones” or filler characters. Wario’s an obvious example, but even before him we have Mario’s beloved bro. Let’s be honest with ourselves, Luigi started life as “Green Mario” and didn’t really develop a personality in-game until the RPG spin-offs, and of course, Luigi’s Mansion.

NEVER listen to the haters, Wiggler. Honey Queen... knock yourself out.

So yeah, I thought Wiggler was a fun, fresh new edition to the driver line-up for Mario Kart 7. Honey Queen I can take or leave. I have a weird bias where I always like to see new non-Princess female characters added to the Mario mix, but I’m completely ambivalent on HQ. I have a feeling she’ll be a one-time racer like Petey Piranha. Ha, remember that dingleberry?

If you do, I bet it's because of the Speedo.

But some of the coolest playable characters in past Mario spin-offs have been legit “filler” characters. Toadette debuted in Mario Kart Double Dash!! as Toad’s driving buddy, likely to Miyamoto’s chagrin. Dry Bowser actually landed his first game role in New Super Mario Bros., but gets labelled a filler character because of his appearance in Mario Kart Wii. Despite looking rad as hell, I can still see how he could be considered “filler,” since he’s technically just a different version of Bowser, but come on:

Zombie Bowser! How can you hate that?

And then most recently we have Metal Mario in Mario Kart 7. This should be one of the most egregious cases of shutting off the old creativity caps and just pooping out clones of popular characters to take up space, but I don’t know… Metal Mario didn’t get under my skin either. Maybe it’s because of his history with Super Mario 64 and the original Super Smash Bros. Or maybe it’s just because he’s not one of the douchers I’m about to list off. As much as I like these first few dudes, I still would rather have Kamek. Oh you didn’t hear? He was IN Mario Kart 64 until the last second:

I get the uncomfortable feeling that he's sitting in a dark apartment somewhere, crossing names off a list with lipstick.

The delightfully nerdy wizard turtle and primary antagonist of the fantastic Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island was all but in Mario Kart 64, until a certain hot-shot simian superstar dropped in at the last second. It’s kind of crazy to consider the alternate universe where the switch never happened: would the countless Mario spin-offs continue to feature a playable Magikoopa instead of the tie-wearing ape?

And maybe that’s why I’m so bitter about these next few characters. Instead of more fun weirdos like Wiggler and Kamek, we’re stuck with:

Hi. We know you're Daisy. Please just stop.

Daisy is kind of like Dry Bowser. She got her start in a non-spin-off title as Super Mario Land‘s distressed damsel, and even has a character named after her in the bizarre Super Mario Bros. movie. Let’s be honest though, she’s a pallet-swapped Peach. But hey, Luigi got his start as a pallet swap, so why not? Because they made her super annoying, that’s why not.

Luigi gets it

But it’s not just the “Hi I’m Daisy!”s. Her whole tomboy/southern belle shtick grates my nerves into a fine powder that gets kicked up in my eyes every time she passes me in a Mario Kart race. I appreciate the effort to make her a different character from Peach, but I’d have appreciated it even more if she wasn’t so obnoxious. Maybe some tweaks to her dialogue, or a different voice actress would fix Daisy for me. I don’t know. Even without any changes, she’s nowhere near as bad as:

Great work, BJ. The arms akimbo pose definitely makes me not want to punch you in the face repeatedly.

Bowser Jr. is terrible. But, like Daisy and Dry Bowser, he got his start in a “real” Mario game, debuting in the tropical janitorial adventure Super Mario Sunshine. I probably wouldn’t mind if there weren’t seven vastly superior bad-asses filling the role of Bowser’s rabble-rousing bastard-children.

Look how awesome they are. Especially Lemmy, who apparently has mastered Drunken Fist.

While the Koopa Kids are bad in rowdy, amusing ways, Bowser Jr. is bad in an irritating, whiny way. He’s somehow Bowser’s favorite, and not surprisingly is a spoiled turd because of it. Thankfully, the Koopa Kids came back for Mario & Luigi Superstar Saga, and most recently New Super Mario Bros. Wii, albeit forced to share the evil spotlight with their lame-ass little brother in the latter. Thankfully, Bowser Jr. was booted out of the Mario Kart roster for Mario Kart 7, where amongst others, the bespectacled, geeky Lakitu made his first playable appearance. A dorky, four-eyed koopa? If that’s the closest I’ll get to playable Kamek, I’ll take it.

He pours one out for his Magikoopa homie that ain't with us before every race.

With the Koopa Kids getting some exposure, my stance on Bowser Jr. has softened a little. And even a sack of solid-farts like BJ is better than:

Baby Daisy is real, and yet Santa and Godzilla are not. There is no justice in the world.

The babies. The babies make Waluigi and Metal Mario look like staggering acts of unbridled imagination. Why are there babies alongside their adult counterparts? Did they travel through time just to play Tennis and race Karts? Even in the wacky world of the Mushroom Kingdom, aren’t there WAY better things we could be doing with functional time machines? Or did Mario, Peach, Luigi and Daisy get nasty and pop out some kids between Bowser-bashing adventures? Considering the most action we ever see Mario and Luigi landing are chaste pecks on the cheek or nose, it’s hard to imagine Nintendo saying “yeah, let’s imply they’ve been banging out of wedlock.”

DUDE STOP

These little diaper-shitters drive me nuts, but most of them do have some basis in “real” Mario games. The baby versions of Mario, Luigi and Bowser all debuted in Yoshi’s Island, easily one of the best platformers of all time. Of course, Yoshi’s Island is set in the past when the three characters are babies, so it actually made sense, with most of the real action focusing on full-grown Yoshis battling an also full-grown Kamek. Baby Mario cameoed in a couple Mario sports titles, generally as a secondary partner for Yoshi as a nice tip of the hat to Yoshi’s Island. Unfortunately things quickly spiraled out of control, adding Baby Luigi, and eventually a freaking baby quartet crapping up the Mario Kart Wii character line-up. Baby Peach had the decency to be featured in Yoshi’s Island DS first, but Baby Daisy managed to out-Waluigi Waluigi himself , by showing up out of nowhere and being the uninspired penis-wrinkle I can’t imagine any player clamoring for.

And yet, fan art. There's always fan art.

Baby Wario and Baby Donkey Kong also were introduced in Yoshi’s Island DS, but Nintendo has yet to shoehorn them into a Mario spin-off. And after the baby boom featured in Mario Kart Wii, I was pleasantly surprised to see Nintendo left the pre-pubescent pants-poopers at home for Mario Kart 7, making way for fresh new faces like Wiggler and Honey Queen. Thankfully it seems like Nintendo said “Okay, we went a little nuts with the baby thing” and have backed off accordingly.

So what’s my beef with babies? They’re cute. They’re kind of funny. But they’re just baby versions of characters that are already in the game. It’s hard not to look at it like this: for every baby character we get in a Mario spin-off, that’s one less slot that could have gone to Wart, or a Hammer Bro, or Dixie Kong, or E. Gadd, or the Koopa Kids, or Pauline, or of course, good ol’ Kamek.

Or even these two homeless guys I saw dumpster diving behind Peach's Castle.

So if I had to name one character that stole the Worst Mario Character sash from Waluigi’s bony, stinking body, I guess by default it would have to be Baby Daisy. But even with Baby Daisy as the new queen of crap, it could always be much worse:

Dry Baby Metal Wawaluigi Jr, starring in Mario Power Cricket, coming soon!

Comments

  1. On March 12, 2012 Valerie says:

    I’m gonna try to calm down, but it will be difficult.. I’m pretty riled up.

    Baby Bowser is my favorite! He and Wario are my main bros and I don’t appreciate the slams and jabs.

    Daisy is a worthless cunt though. I’m with you on that one.

  2. On March 12, 2012 Matt Ferrett says:

    Haha, yeah Daisy is turrible. I try to keep sharpened pencils out of reach when I play Mario Kart, because I’m scared I’ll reflexively jam them in my ears every time she opens her mouth.

  3. On March 12, 2012 Posky says:

    All of the Jr. and “baby” characters are inexcusable. It just makes me angry and not want to play the game. Adults don’t want to play as babies unless they are drunk (or supremely creepy) and no child is going to say “Oh cool, let’s play as the babies.”

    Also I want to see ALL the Koopa kids (except for Junior) playable in the next Smash Bros, Tennis, Golf or Kart game– especially that dream boat Roy.

  4. On March 12, 2012 Matt Ferrett says:

    It seems like everyone has a different favorite Koopa Kid, which is awesome, because Koopa Kids are the best.

  5. On March 15, 2012 Captain N says:

    This list is eerily similar to my own. Honey Queen was a great addition to the roster of characters, though–unlike Petey Piranha, who’s kind of disgusting… like the kid from kindergarten who ate glue.

    I’d even rather have seen the squid from Sunshine than Petey Piranha. Now there’s a satisfying boss battle…

  6. On June 10, 2013 Anon says:

    I’m surprised Rosalina isn’t listed, considering she’s a more useless Peach only used as Heavy Peach in Mario Kart.

XHTML: You can use these tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>