Top 5 NES Endings Your 10 Year Old Punk Ass Never Saw.

If you were there then you remember. Back when you didn’t ask a friend if they wanted to come over and play video games, you asked them if they wanted to come over and play Nintendo. Back when everything a kid could love: cartoons, comic books, sci-fi movies, happy meals and pizzas (!?) -- everything eventually found itself crammed inside of an NES control deck, and they all had one thing in common…

…they wanted to bury your ass.

All we wanted was to take on the role of our heroes -- to jump right into the shit and whip evil’s ass, to selflessly sacrifice hundreds of hours after school trying to rescue entire fucking worlds. And what was our reward? Ending stages to our favorite games that flung us fist first into a controller destroying rampage. Yep. I’m talking about the good old days.

So let’s do it. Let’s put these 8-Bit bastards to rest once and for all.

Here we go:

5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Waitaminute. WHAT THE FUCK? Did we just witness the end of the TMNT saga? What exactly did that turtle hit Shredder with that knocked the mutation out of Splinter?

This one’s a real heart-breaker. I want to love it and now thanks to nostalgia, to some extent I can. The Ninja Turtle phenomenon might be relegated to a “you had be there” status, but if you were…it was all turtles all the time. This made it a pretty huge deal when the Nintendo game based on the fab four finally hit the streets. Of course we dreamed of the 4 player co-op that the arcade made us fall in love with but we’d have to wait until the sequel before we could play with friends (and even then, it only supported 2 controllers). Instead, this weird first entry was filled with enemies we’d never seen before and an odd switching between characters system that practically punishes you for wanting to play as your favorite turtle (eat it, Raphael fans).

This game is tough, man. Just managing to make it through the seaweed in that fucking dam stage felt satisfying enough that the game could have ended right then and there and I’d be happy, but nope. It’s that last goddamn level (where the Shredder was waiting to uh…shred your ass apart) that the game really ramps it up and becomes impossible. I refuse to believe that the guy who passed this shit on that video isn’t using some sort of game enhancement.

4. Batman

Wow! That’s an even more badass ending than the one in movie!

I’m sure you can remember. Back in the summer of ’89, you couldn’t take a shit without seeing the bat symbol. The 60′s series was playing in an endless rotation, action figures were everywhere and Prince was doing that idiotic bat-dance on MTV. So a video game based on what at the time seemed like the biggest movie ever was a no brainer and for the most part Sunsoft got it right. Batman for the NES delivers fast paced action with tight controls, badass music and great level design. It’s just too bad that it became so GODDAMN hard in the last couple of levels -- and then the Joker goes and puts the final nail in the bullshit coffin by embracing a near Judge Doom level of impossibility. Lame.

3. Double Dragon III

Double Dragon 3 was sort of infamous for only allowing the player one life for each character before it’s lights out. Game over. No continues are available unless you somehow survive to see the last stage when the game finally takes pity on you and decides to grant a continue. As in ONE. That’s it. Sheesus Christ. Get N or get the fuck out.

I have some fond memories of playing the original NES entry despite the fact that it was only a one player game (apparently Technos forgot that the game was called DOUBLE Dragon). The sequel corrected that mistake and I remember having a good time with it too, but 3? Nonononono. I’m pretty sure that I spent 3 minutes tops playing it before realizing that home life was abusive enough.

2. Ghosts ‘N Goblins

Holy shit, check out that video quality. What is this, the only guy who’s ever beat this thing? And not since the 80′s?

I’ve never been able to take a serious crack at this game even once in my life. The horror stories from friends painted a pretty vivid portrait and ever since I split from high school I no longer have any desire to do things that make me hate myself. To hell with Resident Evil, this is the scariest shit Capcom has ever released.

1. Ninja Gaiden III

I have to be honest. I actually have seen someone beat this game but I still don’t believe it. In fact, if I didn’t have a friend there alongside me to witness it firsthand I’d swear I imagined the whole thing. The guy’s name was Matt and I roomed with him back in Berkeley. I can still see it. Me moving in and setting up my systems when dude popped his head into my doorway. The first words out of his mouth:

“Hey, man…you got Ninja Gaiden III?”

I could only respond with a horrified “uhhh, yeah and what kind of freaky shit are you into?”

It turns out I had just moved in with someone who’d managed to fucking master what to this day I personally feel is flat out the hardest game I have ever played in my life. Not only that, but he’d actually tear through it for fun. I used to just sit there: mouth wide open while holding a stop watch as he would fucking obliterate this game.

He wasn’t just good at it. He fucking owned it. Slapping it around and laughing at how he’d figured out the right places to take damage from the enemies to help him burn through it that much faster. The only frustration Ninja Gaiden III could hope to hand this guy was when he didn’t finish the whole thing in under 25 minutes. I swear to God, I’m getting misty just typing this out right now. What a beautiful bastard.

Comments

  1. On March 17, 2010 Stacie says:

    Dude this is AWESOME!!!! haha

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